Sunday, 16 January 2011

Top 3 Traffic Rages

I think we all know what's going to happen in the next few paragraphs: rage. Fucking loads of it. Enough to fill your back garden. Wait, that's not that big, is it? Fuck it, this is Bono's back garden (that's like Africa or some shit). And a spoiler alert just before we set off... This isn't a top 3, in fact, I'll struggle to think of 3 things anyway.

But if you're that fucking bothered about chronological orders of things that piss me off, count the fucking words in each paragraph to satisfy your needs.

1. The Bastard That Goes Too Slow

We always come across this arsehole. He is everywhere. They're not necessarily old, either. There'll be one guy in the slow lane doing about 50mph, out of a possible 70mph. This is fine, he's in the slow lane, fair play to him. But then you have this guy:

I just googled the word, "douche". In case you're wondering.

This guy will either match the first guy or go one better... By going slower. You end up with a fast lane reminiscent of your home street. The plus side is that you have enough time to brake and not go through the back of his car if he were to perform an emergency stop. The negative side is that you actually want to go through his car if he were to perform an emergency stop. Yeah, he's that douchey that he doesn't deserve to live. I can handle turning up to work late, but stop me getting home so I can have an exceedingly average afternoon? Then fuck you.
2. The Bastard That Goes Too Fast

Now you're thinking "What?". Or maybe you're not. I'm not a mind reader, and if I was, I'd have already coerced Megan Fox into a threesome with me and my dad... He likes Megan Fox and I'd never be a dick to my dad.

 Weirdly relevant.

So yeah, incest aside. This is the guy (or gal) who gets so close to your bumper that you worry if they can even see you there. I'm sure the redness of my car doesn't blend in with the blackness of the tarmac below, and if you're that colour blind then you shouldn't even be on the road. Or alive, as I'm sure confusing red with black defnitely means a major health problem.

The problem is when you can't move out the way, either because you're doing the speed limit and the guy in the lane next to you is, too. Or because you're most likely in a single lane road and he's a fucking douche.

You're fucking damn right I googled "douche" again.

3. White Van Drivers (we'll include taxi drivers, too)

This would be awesome.

These guys just fuck the whole chi of driving appropriately. These fuckers insist on abusing the above rage inducing actions, run red lights (which, if you're the guy going through what's green on your side, it's scary seeing this big white van come hurling towards you when it fucking shouldn't be) and do all this Matrix motorcycle chase scene shit, changing lanes when it suits them. You can't predict the next movement of these guys. But you can narrow it down to something douchey, which isn't much use, but whatever...

And they like to use their phones. Whilst hurtling down some tarmac at 90mph, avoiding cars like they're out-driving a fucking earthquake or some shit (think 2012, driving through a collapsing building included). And eventually they crash some time and blame the other fucking guy who the only thing he did wrong was not check his mirrors in the split second it took them to fuck up his shit.

The worst thing? The entire country of England blames young drivers for their insurance premiums going up. No. Fuck off. It's because this new driver hasn't quite grasped that all the older "experienced" drivers, drive like their life is going to end if they miss out on 5 extra minutes of sitting at home doing fuck all.

And we're onto the next point. I do all these fucking things.

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