Sunday, 30 January 2011

First and Lasting Impressions

First impressions? Fuck 'em. People should have about 12 at their disposal. Except the guy whose first impression was being walked in on fucking the family parrot. Condemn him, I say. But no, I say people should have more than one impression to make (but not like fucking God mode on that awesome PS1 Die Hard Trilogy), simply because, and contrary to popular belief, people do change. Not the fucking douchebags from school, they often stay the same, only differences being they aren't as douchey because it's hard to have so much energy at the age of 82.

People who genuinely intend to do good with their life, and do good by other people (this isn't the bible, don't close your tab yet), actually learn how to be a better person. Then you have the people more like me, where it takes an emotional kick to the godly belows to actually make that change. But it's change nonetheless.

So yeah, one fuck up in a five minute conversation with that girl with an awesome rack can be the difference between shoving your head in there and lying in bed by yourself, playing with yourself... You will probably never see her again, and when you do, she won't want to talk to you, because y'know, you accidentally told her you kidnap kids for a hobby.

And who knows? Maybe that could have been the start of something special (if A: she kidnapped kids, too. Or B: you didn't tell her you did). So a second chance seems like an awesome tool to have, no?

I'll share a few random links so this doesn't seem like a shitty wall of text.
5 Terrifying Online Trends
How to Make Your Facebook Ten Times More Awesome (by following a tutorial a million other people have done)
Random Software Helper
And a film I REALLY want to see if it is ever made

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Sleep Deprivation

Sounds bad, doesn't it? Going to work when you feel like you need another three week's worth of sleep? Well this isn't going to be one of those bastardly cheesey posts where I go "LOLNO." It is a bad thing, people prove this all the time by fucking shit up while they're really tired. In fact, I'm inclined to agree that the Iraqi war was a direct result of some tired fuck not getting his shit together and telling Corporal Insurgentfucker the wrong shit. Fuck you, private.

The fact is this, if you find yourself balls deep in your eight hour sleep every night, you will miss out on shit. The best things in your life will happen after 12am, fact. I have no sources for that information so have a picture of someone's face.

It's 12am here.

This isn't to say that you should go get mortal drunk every night of the week. You will get fired from your job and then you won't be able to afford your precious lifestyle. Don't be a dick. Back to the point of getting 8 hours sleep... A lot of people work at least 37.5 hours each week, that's 7.5 hours a day in a 5-day working week, and 8 hours spent at work if you're entitled to lunch. I fucking love lunch.

Now, let's assume it takes you at least half an hour to get to work, and at least half an hour to get ready for work. There's 9.5 hours of the day wasted on work straight away. That leaves 14.5 hours of your day left, take away those 8 hours sleep and you have 6.5 hours of your day to yourself. What the fuck are you going to do in 6.5 hours? Fuck all if I'm honest. Family time, maybe a quick drink in a pub?

But then you'll look like a fucking faggot if you leave at 9:00pm for your bath and bed. You fag.

In the interest of having an awesome social life, sleep deprivation is a fucking brilliant idea. Make it all up at the weekend, because apparently you can bank sleep. No excuses now, you wuss.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Darren (Fucking) Bent

If you're not from Sunderland England. Fuck it, if you don't like football (lol, soccer) then you won't know what the fuck's going on. Some shit on this page might bring you up to speed. To summarise, this guy betrayed his fans and lead them to believe he wanted to stay at the club forever. He's a traitor and a backstabber. But before I go on any further, let me make something clear. No he fucking isn't.

A wild Judas appears!

In case you're not familiar with the world of professional footballing, they do this shit to make a living. A very expensive one at that, but a living nonetheless. Who's that retard who took a job that paid less, made him move further away from home, to do exactly the same thing when his original job wasn't threatened in the first place? Oh, that's right! Absolutely no-one.

What's happened is that fans and enemies alike have went fucking batshit crazy over this little bit of news. Branding him a traitor and money hungry bastard. I'm guessing there's a shit ton of racism going on, too. Which actually happened to his mother, by his own fans. Well done.

What everyone seems to forget (that's polite for, "everyone's too retarded to see") is that Sunderland sold him for £18,000,000, potentially rising to £24,000,000. I mean, holy shit. He hasn't necesserily played well this season and the team is getting enough money to build a small army. I call dibs on France.

Something else everyone seems to forget (again, polite for "how did you read this much without getting distracted by your mouse cursor, you fucking spacker?"), is that player's agents rule the football world. Deals are always made behind managers and even players backs, then a ton of bullshit happens making the player feel unwanted and he sees moving as the best option. Oh, and the glorious amounts of money. We can't forget that.

End of the day? He put a small team in the limelight, played well and actually got his departure over with within two days. Compare this to other players who drag this shit out for months. He only did what everyone would fucking do if given the chance.

Oh yeah, some guys win the lottery and retire from work. You bastards.

Monday, 17 January 2011

Working Out

This isn't going to be that long (in before that's what she said). Working out is overrated, right? Wrong. And no, this isn't going to be one of those rallying calls where I try get all you fatties to get in shape. My life is shit (shock/horror), and I've kinda found out that working out actually makes you feel better about yourself. No, seriously! A bunch of virgins have confirmed this! I think so anyway, I didn't even read the link. That's classed as journalism, right?

This is only here to break up the article a bit.

I've discovered something though. It's shit hard to motivate yourself to exercise unless something pisses you off, or... Pisses you off some more. If a fatty thinks their life is grand, balancing Mars Bars on their upper lip until it inevitably falls into their mouth (they get riled up if it falls the other way), then you can't motivate yourself to work out. You're happy with who you are.

Sort of. You just don't know it yet. You eventually find out the hard way when your high school crush looks you in the eye and says, "Look, honey, I could wear your thigh fat as a blanket during the winter to avoid pneumonia". Then this shit pisses you off.
I'm going to take a step into conspiracy, you guys love that shit. And it starts with this: if the whole world starts suddenly getting slimmer and healthier. It means the fucking government is killing your family members to piss you off. Yes you. You personally. This might have repurcussions such as the economy falling flat on its arse. But fuck it. We'll be able to outrun lions when they eventually evolve.

You heard it here first.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Top 3 Traffic Rages

I think we all know what's going to happen in the next few paragraphs: rage. Fucking loads of it. Enough to fill your back garden. Wait, that's not that big, is it? Fuck it, this is Bono's back garden (that's like Africa or some shit). And a spoiler alert just before we set off... This isn't a top 3, in fact, I'll struggle to think of 3 things anyway.

But if you're that fucking bothered about chronological orders of things that piss me off, count the fucking words in each paragraph to satisfy your needs.

1. The Bastard That Goes Too Slow

We always come across this arsehole. He is everywhere. They're not necessarily old, either. There'll be one guy in the slow lane doing about 50mph, out of a possible 70mph. This is fine, he's in the slow lane, fair play to him. But then you have this guy:

I just googled the word, "douche". In case you're wondering.

This guy will either match the first guy or go one better... By going slower. You end up with a fast lane reminiscent of your home street. The plus side is that you have enough time to brake and not go through the back of his car if he were to perform an emergency stop. The negative side is that you actually want to go through his car if he were to perform an emergency stop. Yeah, he's that douchey that he doesn't deserve to live. I can handle turning up to work late, but stop me getting home so I can have an exceedingly average afternoon? Then fuck you.
2. The Bastard That Goes Too Fast

Now you're thinking "What?". Or maybe you're not. I'm not a mind reader, and if I was, I'd have already coerced Megan Fox into a threesome with me and my dad... He likes Megan Fox and I'd never be a dick to my dad.

 Weirdly relevant.

So yeah, incest aside. This is the guy (or gal) who gets so close to your bumper that you worry if they can even see you there. I'm sure the redness of my car doesn't blend in with the blackness of the tarmac below, and if you're that colour blind then you shouldn't even be on the road. Or alive, as I'm sure confusing red with black defnitely means a major health problem.

The problem is when you can't move out the way, either because you're doing the speed limit and the guy in the lane next to you is, too. Or because you're most likely in a single lane road and he's a fucking douche.

You're fucking damn right I googled "douche" again.

3. White Van Drivers (we'll include taxi drivers, too)

This would be awesome.

These guys just fuck the whole chi of driving appropriately. These fuckers insist on abusing the above rage inducing actions, run red lights (which, if you're the guy going through what's green on your side, it's scary seeing this big white van come hurling towards you when it fucking shouldn't be) and do all this Matrix motorcycle chase scene shit, changing lanes when it suits them. You can't predict the next movement of these guys. But you can narrow it down to something douchey, which isn't much use, but whatever...

And they like to use their phones. Whilst hurtling down some tarmac at 90mph, avoiding cars like they're out-driving a fucking earthquake or some shit (think 2012, driving through a collapsing building included). And eventually they crash some time and blame the other fucking guy who the only thing he did wrong was not check his mirrors in the split second it took them to fuck up his shit.

The worst thing? The entire country of England blames young drivers for their insurance premiums going up. No. Fuck off. It's because this new driver hasn't quite grasped that all the older "experienced" drivers, drive like their life is going to end if they miss out on 5 extra minutes of sitting at home doing fuck all.

And we're onto the next point. I do all these fucking things.

A bit about me...

Hello, before we start, I'm just your everyday guy (no, this isn't the beginning to a Marvel movie) that likes to use the internet for all sorts of reasons: venting anger, social networking, entertainment, and porn. This is what I'll be using this blog for, to an extent (especially the porn).

Life started for me like most kids, by ruining my mother's vagina in the name of her "happiness". That backfired when I brought no happiness into her life, apart from that one time when I smashed my face off the floor because of a retarded bicycle.

Not quite like this.

Moving away from my mother's vagina and her happiness... Although there's probably a direct correlation between the two... That's not for me to find out. More about me then, let's get egotistical as fuck. I live in your standard neighbourhood in England, the stuff I see every day are just that: every day stuff. This won't be a blog about how I 360 degree slam dunked a pigeon through someones kitchen sink. Although that would be fucking awesome.

No. I work those 37.5 hours each week so I can buy shit I like and inebriate myself to the point of half conversations and extended periods of staring at a girl's breasts (while she's watching me do it, that's how I roll).

Oh, and I like to take the piss out of everything I don't like. Now add to that equation: the internet (the internet = anonymity, for those retarded), and you have yourself with a no limit scenario. Fuck that, there's a limit, and that limit is my street address being plastered over the net and my house becoming target practise for people with bricks. Lots of bricks.

Regardless... Religion is a big no for me.I'm not going to go too far into it, and I'm not bothered if people do believe in a guy who created us in his image (we're all cunts, let's put it that way), the only thing that bothers me about religion is that asshole who tries to convert people. Thoughts do not change overnight. It's that simple. So shut the fuck up.

Anyway, fuck this. I'm going to do exceedingly average on Black Ops.