Sunday, 22 May 2011

Changing the Tone

No, I'm not going to stop swearing on here. I like to and I will continue to do so when I feel the need is there. That said, I'm not going to churp in a swear word like those cutting edge humour enthusiasts who say "I am sick of people fucking swearing!", and they exaggerate the "fucking" part to demonstrate how awesome they are. Well done. You have somehow reduced my overall expectation of the human race that little bit more.

The point of this blog post is pretty simple, I'm going to slag off some football fans, mainly revolving around the news that Sunderland finished ahead of Newcastle on the closing day of the season. The reason being is that this has went against the overall internet concept that Newcastle will finish ahead of Sunderland, proving that the smaller (as in, surface area) club will forever be in Newcastle's shadow. It looked a dead cert, as well, as Sunderland needed a win away from home and Newcastle needed a win at home. Both games against similar skilled opposition. If you're familiar with football, then you'll realise away games can prove to be much more difficult than home games, and it doesn't matter how bad the other team are in reality.

We managed to prove that over the course of a season, we are better than them. I don't think anyone can deny this, if a team finishes ahead of you, they're better than you. I would happily admit this if Newcastle finished ahead of Sunderland, I really would. For 38 games in the season, one team grabbed more points. And Newcastle fans should know this, as they have finished ahead of us a few times in the last ten years. And have gladly pointed out how much better they are because of that fact. So why is it, when we do better than them, they have to shell out every bit of evidence to deny it?

Like seriously, in the past two hours, all I have heard is how much they've outdone us over the last decade, how they beat us 5-1 at their place, and how they beat teams like West Ham 5-0 and Aston Villa 6-0. When they outdo us after a seaon, they harp on about how then is the time that counts, that Premier League table. Yet when the Premier League table disagrees with their claims of superiority, it's all about what happened in the past.

Let's bring up the past then. Sunderland have had more top-flight trophies than Newcastle in our entire history. We beat them 9-1 at their ground at one point. We finished ahead of them two seasons in a row in 2000 and 2001. We finished ahead of them the last time they came into the Premier League. Even in the Championship (or old Division One) we have got more points than them. And I bet if a Newcastle fan is reading this now, the general consensus will be "but that happened in the past".

My response is "exactly."

So why the fuck bring up the past when we have one little victory? One little victory, let us have it. If we're "foreverinyourshadow" as Twitter would suggest (forgot the hash tag, oops!), then why can't we have this victory?

I'll be looking forward going into work, in Newcastle, and not having to listen to absolute patter. Although I still will, because even if I keep my mouth shut (which I did when they got relegated), I still get roped into a Sunderland vs Newcastle debate. The main reason I care about us finishing higher is because I've spent the year listening to how Newcastle are still a big club, and deserve to be in the Champions League, and will be challenging for top four status from next season and the rest.

So fuck off. This season we were the overall better team. If the league was based off of one result, we'd be 2nd. We beat Chelsea 3-0. But the league isn't decided that way. So fuck off some more.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Phone Net-not-works

Picture this. It's 3:30am and I have to be up for work in 2 hours. I haven't stayed up this late. In fact, I had my bath at 9pm and crawled into bed at 11pm like a little bitch and waited to drift off... That was, until I didn't drift off at all. I watched the clock trickle away until the early hours of the morn while I failed to get to sleep. I didn't have anything on my mind and I hadn't consumed large quantities of caffeine. Why the shitting tits was I not falling asleep?

Maybe that question was keeping me awake. Shitting tits? Nightmare for anyone. Disregard that for sanity. I've decided to venture onto my phone for some late night entertainment (not the stuff that requires tissues and low self-esteem), including Facebook (yay!) and some of my favourite websites. This was all a good idea until I re-realised that I have literally the most shitty, deceptive network coverage in the existence of mankind. Full signal 3G connection? So fuck because it doesn't want to load five bits of text and an image.

That's too difficult at this time of night.

So great. It's now 3:33am and I can't even at least enjoy the build up to my over-tired first day at work from an awesome week off. What makes it more horrible is the lack of common sense used when creating the Facebook app that I'm using. Sure, it can tell you how many notifications you have, and who the latest one was by, but clicking on that pop-up only displays the last set of notifications you ever loaded, refusing to load the new ones because the network can not be fucked to deal with the request. Great.

Let's play some fucking solitaire then. Going great until I realise the three games I have played are unwinnable. Y'see, it turns out this game puts a little star in the corner when a game is winnable. It uses the network to determine which games are winnable, and the games without this star is pretty much "Try your luck, cuntnugget". I think we can all see why I wanted to kick the shit out of some satellites this morning. I think I stumbled upon one winnable game in the next 20 minutes.

And holy shit I think I somehow managed to fall asleep. Only to be woken up by a text...

... That was timestamped for around 5pm. A text that I should have got about 10 hours ago has just woken me up because a mobile phone network provider can't get its shit together. Thank you very much, for those keeping count, it's taken me almost 5 hours more to fall asleep then I should have. THOSE FIVE HOURS WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME, FYI.


Monday, 2 May 2011

Modesty and Dickbaggery (revised mid-blog to hate on Facebook)

Modest? The fucking hell I am. What am I modest about?

... I'll get back to you on that one. Anyway, welcome to the first blog post in what seems like a fucking century. Three months have passed and I still haven't learned anything. I have, however, reaffirmed that: 1) Facebook sucks, 2) Facebook causes more drama, and 3) Why the fuck am I nineteen and I'm only realising this shit now?

Back to the subject at hand... Actually no, I don't like where this is going. This is now about Facebook and it's firm grip on the adolescents of today, and why they're fucking up the best things in their life as a result. I'll go over some simple shit straight off... Today's youth are all partaking in something only about 5% of us are good at, and something that results in tears, death, and not being invited to the prom by that super hot hot guy who is super hot. Or that super hot hot gal who is super hot (for the straight people, or lesbians).

Guessed it? No? Good, because my description gave you shit all to work with. It's a popularity contest. Determined by photo comments, status likes and wall posts by people that don't actually give a fuck about you. There are tactics to "win" this contest however, and while some people can see straight through this, others can't. And they're the ones who are participating and who will get distraught by the seemingly unexplainable results.

The most common tactic I see is this: add fucking everyone. I think the average person will pretty much regularly get a certain percentage of their friends liking their statuses. This is great, feel good about yourself. For someone like me, with about 200 friends, between 2 and 5 people interacting on my status isn't unusual. That's between 1% and 2.5% of my friends.

Now we all see this guy, he gets about 15 to 30 people interacting with his statuses. To someone participating in the popularity contest, this is grounds for shitting ones pants. But fear not, you cunt. This guy has 3000 friends! Do the math you bum. That's 0.5% to 1%. To me, that doesn't seem like he's gaining anything, all that means is that per every 100 people who defaced their vision with his status, only 1 of them gave a shit at best. How many people do you see in real life and talk to regularly? That's right. It won't be more than a hundred. Carry on with your life, you fuck.

Another common tactic... The anti-troll. The people pleaser. The dick something (I'm running out of words). This ties in perfectly with the above tactic by the way. Post a status that absolutely fucking everyone will fucking agree with. Optimum facebook popularity in one sentence. And if you don't like that tactic, you can always post "when you..." statuses. They work.

Photos, you say? They're normally gender specific, and I won't go into too much detail (cleavage, clout etc), mainly because I don't care and don't have the time. But always mention that you're ugly. But don't if you actually are. You see, if you say you're ugly when you're not, then retards are inclined to correct you because you're obviously not. It's science.

So there you have it. I've gave the drama queens and drama kings (male drama queens) some advice on how to win this piece of shit battle, and hopefully convinced some ugly people to use Facebook for its true purpose: perving, showing your "friends" how cool your night out was, and arranging house parties at other people's houses without their knowledge.

Or socialising.