Monday, 2 May 2011

Modesty and Dickbaggery (revised mid-blog to hate on Facebook)

Modest? The fucking hell I am. What am I modest about?

... I'll get back to you on that one. Anyway, welcome to the first blog post in what seems like a fucking century. Three months have passed and I still haven't learned anything. I have, however, reaffirmed that: 1) Facebook sucks, 2) Facebook causes more drama, and 3) Why the fuck am I nineteen and I'm only realising this shit now?

Back to the subject at hand... Actually no, I don't like where this is going. This is now about Facebook and it's firm grip on the adolescents of today, and why they're fucking up the best things in their life as a result. I'll go over some simple shit straight off... Today's youth are all partaking in something only about 5% of us are good at, and something that results in tears, death, and not being invited to the prom by that super hot hot guy who is super hot. Or that super hot hot gal who is super hot (for the straight people, or lesbians).

Guessed it? No? Good, because my description gave you shit all to work with. It's a popularity contest. Determined by photo comments, status likes and wall posts by people that don't actually give a fuck about you. There are tactics to "win" this contest however, and while some people can see straight through this, others can't. And they're the ones who are participating and who will get distraught by the seemingly unexplainable results.

The most common tactic I see is this: add fucking everyone. I think the average person will pretty much regularly get a certain percentage of their friends liking their statuses. This is great, feel good about yourself. For someone like me, with about 200 friends, between 2 and 5 people interacting on my status isn't unusual. That's between 1% and 2.5% of my friends.

Now we all see this guy, he gets about 15 to 30 people interacting with his statuses. To someone participating in the popularity contest, this is grounds for shitting ones pants. But fear not, you cunt. This guy has 3000 friends! Do the math you bum. That's 0.5% to 1%. To me, that doesn't seem like he's gaining anything, all that means is that per every 100 people who defaced their vision with his status, only 1 of them gave a shit at best. How many people do you see in real life and talk to regularly? That's right. It won't be more than a hundred. Carry on with your life, you fuck.

Another common tactic... The anti-troll. The people pleaser. The dick something (I'm running out of words). This ties in perfectly with the above tactic by the way. Post a status that absolutely fucking everyone will fucking agree with. Optimum facebook popularity in one sentence. And if you don't like that tactic, you can always post "when you..." statuses. They work.

Photos, you say? They're normally gender specific, and I won't go into too much detail (cleavage, clout etc), mainly because I don't care and don't have the time. But always mention that you're ugly. But don't if you actually are. You see, if you say you're ugly when you're not, then retards are inclined to correct you because you're obviously not. It's science.

So there you have it. I've gave the drama queens and drama kings (male drama queens) some advice on how to win this piece of shit battle, and hopefully convinced some ugly people to use Facebook for its true purpose: perving, showing your "friends" how cool your night out was, and arranging house parties at other people's houses without their knowledge.

Or socialising.

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