Phone Net-not-works

Picture this. It's 3:30am and I have to be up for work in 2 hours. I haven't stayed up this late. In fact, I had my bath at 9pm and crawled into bed at 11pm like a little bitch and waited to drift off... That was, until I didn't drift off at all. I watched the clock trickle away until the early hours of the morn while I failed to get to sleep. I didn't have anything on my mind and I hadn't consumed large quantities of caffeine. Why the shitting tits was I not falling asleep?

Maybe that question was keeping me awake. Shitting tits? Nightmare for anyone. Disregard that for sanity. I've decided to venture onto my phone for some late night entertainment (not the stuff that requires tissues and low self-esteem), including Facebook (yay!) and some of my favourite websites. This was all a good idea until I re-realised that I have literally the most shitty, deceptive network coverage in the existence of mankind. Full signal 3G connection? So fuck because it doesn't want to load five bits of text and an image.

That's too difficult at this time of night.

So great. It's now 3:33am and I can't even at least enjoy the build up to my over-tired first day at work from an awesome week off. What makes it more horrible is the lack of common sense used when creating the Facebook app that I'm using. Sure, it can tell you how many notifications you have, and who the latest one was by, but clicking on that pop-up only displays the last set of notifications you ever loaded, refusing to load the new ones because the network can not be fucked to deal with the request. Great.

Let's play some fucking solitaire then. Going great until I realise the three games I have played are unwinnable. Y'see, it turns out this game puts a little star in the corner when a game is winnable. It uses the network to determine which games are winnable, and the games without this star is pretty much "Try your luck, cuntnugget". I think we can all see why I wanted to kick the shit out of some satellites this morning. I think I stumbled upon one winnable game in the next 20 minutes.

And holy shit I think I somehow managed to fall asleep. Only to be woken up by a text...

... That was timestamped for around 5pm. A text that I should have got about 10 hours ago has just woken me up because a mobile phone network provider can't get its shit together. Thank you very much, for those keeping count, it's taken me almost 5 hours more to fall asleep then I should have. THOSE FIVE HOURS WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME, FYI.

Fuck.

Sleep Deprivation

Sounds bad, doesn't it? Going to work when you feel like you need another three week's worth of sleep? Well this isn't going to be one of those bastardly cheesey posts where I go "LOLNO." It is a bad thing, people prove this all the time by fucking shit up while they're really tired. In fact, I'm inclined to agree that the Iraqi war was a direct result of some tired fuck not getting his shit together and telling Corporal Insurgentfucker the wrong shit. Fuck you, private.

The fact is this, if you find yourself balls deep in your eight hour sleep every night, you will miss out on shit. The best things in your life will happen after 12am, fact. I have no sources for that information so have a picture of someone's face.

It's 12am here.

This isn't to say that you should go get mortal drunk every night of the week. You will get fired from your job and then you won't be able to afford your precious lifestyle. Don't be a dick. Back to the point of getting 8 hours sleep... A lot of people work at least 37.5 hours each week, that's 7.5 hours a day in a 5-day working week, and 8 hours spent at work if you're entitled to lunch. I fucking love lunch.

Now, let's assume it takes you at least half an hour to get to work, and at least half an hour to get ready for work. There's 9.5 hours of the day wasted on work straight away. That leaves 14.5 hours of your day left, take away those 8 hours sleep and you have 6.5 hours of your day to yourself. What the fuck are you going to do in 6.5 hours? Fuck all if I'm honest. Family time, maybe a quick drink in a pub?

But then you'll look like a fucking faggot if you leave at 9:00pm for your bath and bed. You fag.

In the interest of having an awesome social life, sleep deprivation is a fucking brilliant idea. Make it all up at the weekend, because apparently you can bank sleep. No excuses now, you wuss.